Ali MacLean

All the worlds a stage? No, all the world is your captive audience and we are waiting with bated breath to see what you will post next. Sex sells, and these days sex is content.  Hi gloss, hi res, pictures and pixels. 140 characters coming at us to tell us who, what, where, and more importantly, how much you are worth. We want content and we want it now. A constant stream of you and what you are up to. If an Instagram posts in the woods, does anyone really see it? Do they have wifi in the woods? I mean, why even go there?

All you Facebook junkies, fixed gear bikers, mustachio aficionados, famous pooches and lol cats listen up. Our new social media marketing workshop can teach you how to self-reflect, self-aggrandize and selfie yourself to stardom!

Doing donuts on your hover board like Wiz Khalifa? Don’t let that shit go unnoticed. Keep the camera rolling until the ambulance comes. We want to see every second of your life. Sunsets all day, son. Can’t get enough of the daily diaries that show us the human condition. Food pics. We can’t smell it or taste it, but we love seeing what you’re about to chow down on. It tells us that you have enough disposable income, and the will to leave your house. Don’t forget, any hipster b.s. you can overshare to make sure everyone knows you got rezzies at the hottest spot in town, can be made shinier and prettier in a filter like Ludwig or Valencia. Foam art bubbling on an eight dollar free trade coffee, vacation pics, baby pics…so many baby pics. Most importantly, don’t forget guilt by association: You with Jonah Hill at that movie thing you won tickets to. You with Tiesto at that club you got into that one time. You with Grumpy Cat.

Want to get a million more followers? Show us. Get more clicks and swipes by showing your derriere. Filters and airbrushing required of course. Get your tits out and empower women everywhere like Kim. Where would women be without Kim’s Instagram account? Likely without the vote. Show people who you are and what you believe in. Fight income inequality. Snap a pic of you carpooling in your Lamborghini. Bonus points if you color coordinate. Stand for climate change. Show them you only wear natural fabrics while doing super slow pans of a walk-in closet of everyone’s dreams. If you don’t have one yet? Well, that’s what credit cards are for. You may be able to fudge a photo at a store like Alexander McQueen and make it look like your closet at home. The shop girls will give you attitude for wearing jammies and slippers in their store, but you want the photo to be realistic.

Want to take your online image to the next level? Increase your twitter following/sell a script/get a book deal. Start by ‘aggregating’ some comedy bits from others like The Fat Jew. As the saying goes, ask for forgiveness, not permission, or ask for a lawyer to get you out of trouble later. Whatever, just post what’s funny to get you looking smart and your profile looking hot!

It doesn’t matter what you say, it’s how loud you say it and to how many people. Gandhi could have had a Twitter page, but if that diaper wearing lame ass only had 500 followers, no one would hear him whine about how hungry he was. But you? You can say anything and if 500,000 people are listening, you can fart and the world will retweet.

As long as they notice you.

Previously posted on Pypo.