Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up For The Stripes

We stand to sing our national anthem because it is THE LAW (Ed: it is not a law). Standing for our anthem is tradition and it is to honor our flag and our country. We put our hand over our heart and it is a contract, just like putting our hand on a stack of Bibles that you will kill for your country (Ed: This is not legally binding or true). Like for instancestance, at this baseball game, we open the game with our anthem. If we play another country, sometimes we will let them play theirs, but we don’t really like it.

We are proud of our country because we live here. Because we made this country what it was, I mean is. Well, we didn’t make it. Our forefathers did. We do very little. We are sitting on our ass now watching grown men trying to hit a ball with a stick. Our forefathers would be appalled. They would hate us. If we were critical thinkers we would admit to ourselves that we would hate them. They had slaves and probably beat their wives. But we are PROUD of them because they made America and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH AMERICA SO DON’T SASS ME. Our troops fight so you can read this right now! You lazy piece of generation nothing!

But this isn’t about your generation, you egomanwhatever. This is about tradition.

We stand during the seventh inning because it is tradition. It is called the seventh inning stretch! It’s a chance to stretch your legs and walk forty feet to get in line and then spend your week’s wages on enough pork guts to shove into your belly that you get the meat sweats. If that doesn’t land you in the toilets, then…

Then we sing a fun song called “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.” Why? Quit questioning authority and do it! All right I will tell you. It’s because it’s tradition and it honors our flag and our country and God wants us to honor peanuts and cracker jacks, as it says to in our Constitution. “Life, liberty and the pursuit of crackerjacks” (Ed: That isn’t in the Constitution).

There may be a separation of church and state, but there is no separation of ballpark and state. Thank GOD! Which is why we now sing “God Bless America” during the seventh inning too. You HAVE to stand for that. Well, you don’t have to. However, my more American than anyone in this country Hispanic friend sitting behind us will tell you, “You’re not from America if you don’t stand for our national anthem” (Ed: “God Bless America” isn’t our national anthem).

Why do we sing it? Because it’s tradition! All the way since 9/11 when George Bush and his cabinet decided who was American and who was not (Ed: they tried to). Then our ballparks decided we needed more tradition to prove this. And we all decided that the more tradition there was, the more we could make others feel bad if they weren’t being American enough. So everyone stands so they don’t get yelled at. So we sing it to remind ourselves of our amber waves of Monsanto genetically modified grain and our radioactive and oil slicked seas that are white with foam. You know, like a rabid dog. Did I mention that it’s a song about God? It has God in the title! So. Yeah, you gotta believe in God too, or you’re not a good American. But that goes without saying!

As a spectator, this is clearly not enough standing. Sure, there’s the wave, but that only comes around every 78 seconds or so, depending on the drunk reggaetron loving jackass, who keeps trying to start it.

No, there are so many more songs that are stand-upable that could be entered into our ballgame viewing pleasure. Why not have a third inning rendition of “American Pie”? It would be a good time for the ballpark to sell some good ole apple pie. Or how about “American Girl” or “American Woman”! It could be well timed with the hooters girls who shoot the t-shirt cannons during the 8th inning! And what about songs about freedom? Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. So how about some “Bobby McGee” during pitching changes? Or “Free Bird”? We could flip the bird to the other team when they come out onto the field! Heck I don’t care, what song gets you up out of your seat. I just want Tradition and Reverence, Singing and Standing.

Oh, but if you’re rooting for the out of town team, Do NOT stand so close to me. Wish there was a song for that.


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