Don’t hang up! Look I know we’re in a big fight right now and you need time to cool off, but I wanted to run something by you.
So I went and did a little shopping today. Yes, I know I don’t need to be out spending money I don’t have. Ugh, can we not start this whole thing again? Listen! I was out with Kristen and Sarah and we had brunch and some mimosas and then we switched to something a little harder, which you can’t really blame me for since I’ve had a hard week. You know why. You haven’t made it any easier, you know. Ok, I’m counting to ten. I wasn’t even going to bring that up. I didn’t call to fight. I called for a really, really, really good reason. Okay. So, I know we are in a fight but hear me out. I found a really amazing dress!
This dress isn’t just a regular dress. It’s…super fancy. It fits so amazingly. Like it was made for me and it’s haute couture. Which kind of means it is made for you. But anyways, it’s a Vivienne Westwood. Yeah, the ‘crazy looking lady’ on the book on my coffee table. Not true! Her dresses aren’t <em>weird</em>, they’re…avant-garde. That’s what haute couture IS. I’m not going to argue with you about what fashion is, okay? You duct tape your jacket together. Her dresses are very fancy and very special and very hard to come by. You can’t just pop into Target or the mall and pick up a Westwood. But I found one. And it FIT! It fit like a dream. Aaaand it was marked down. Like CRAZY marked down.
I know I haven’t paid my car insurance, but Kristen was driving today and she totally said she can drive me around if I need to go anywhere for the next few weeks. Plus, I have my emergency earthquake kit stocked with cans of tuna and crackers and stuff. What? Yeah, I bought the dress. Hmm? How does what relate to you? Weeeelll. It’s sort of a white dress. It’s a couture, white, Westwood, damask silk, floor-length gown. Yes, it sounds like it’s a wedding dress. I suppose it IS a wedding dress.
Hear me out. I know we aren’t engaged. We aren’t even speaking. But the dress is perfect and makes me look super skinny! I look eight times more gorgeous in it, if that is even possible. And it’s so classic and timeless. It could be any era or any location. You want a beach wedding? Perfect. Black-tie at the Plaza? Done. Great Gatsby style on a rolling lawn? The bees knees! We can plan any décor around this perfect, perfect dress and I will look gorgeous. So you see why I couldn’t pass it up.
Plus I saved us a TON of money. Some wedding dresses cost like, five grand. And I got this one for practically nothing. Sure, I wasn’t expecting to spend the money right now, but the opportunity came up and I couldn’t pass up such a great deal. Isn’t it a good example of how economical I am? I can help manage our money. I mean, your money. I spent all of mine on the dress. But it was sooo worth it. When you see it on me when we finally make up, you will totally agree.
Don’t hang up! Look, I could care less right now if you want to marry me and be with me forever. But you have to marry this dress. It’s fucking gorgeous. Also, I look gorgeous in it and I deserve to be seen in it! Everyone will be so jealous. My friends will be jealous I have such a pretty dress and your friends will be jealous that you have such a pretty wife – and really, isn’t that what weddings are all about? I won’t take no for an answer. It would be a crime against fashion. You would be murdering the existence of my beautiful pale skin brushing up against the soft silky geniused work of the nimble fingers of Ms. Westwood. I don’t think you want that blood on your hands. Do you? So say yes to the dress.