There’s been a little makeover here. Just sprucing up a bit.
Hope you all are following me at http://www.witstream.com, especially for the big political events like the Republican ‘debates’. I’ve gone through several bottles of cooking sherry while doing my running commentary and the other comedians involved have moved on to much harder stuff – household cleaners, etc.
Word has it I will be working with a recently ex-communicated sitcom star at the end of the summer, so in honor of that, here is an open letter I wrote a couple months ago. Enjoy!
Dear Charlie Sheen:
Recently it came to my attention that my followers on Twitter had, unbeknownst to me, recommended me to you for your open Goddess position at your Sober Valley Ranch. I have to admit that when I first heard about this, I thought I must have been overqualified for the job, even though the actual job duties seem to be a bit hazy.
I was raised to be a very cultured lady. I have a college degree — I graduated, cum laude, and six credits shy of a double major. My entrance essay was written in iambic pentameter. I’m a classically trained actress, with an emphasis on Shakespeare and 60’s British Theater. I am trained in ballet, tap and jazz. I’m fluent in French and also French wines. I’m a published author and playwright, I’ve created my own fashion line, and I follow politics.
So you see, I didn’t think that a position as your plaything would be a natural fit … but then I didn’t hear back from you.
I was a bit shocked when I wasn’t hired immediately, especially with my other qualifications. Being the captain of my cheerleading squad in high school has got to count for something. Right? And not just regular old hayseed cheerleaders, but I was one of the tumbling, flipping ones on ESPN. You know, the ones who wore those teeny little uniforms with barely any skirt.
My obvious beauty and sex appeal would be of use to your tiger blood and Adonis DNA. I have some music video vixen roles on tape that I can procure as evidence if you need to see some of my work. You may want to turn the volume down, as the 90s weren’t always a great time for music, but my hotness is unquestionable.
In addition, I have experience in childcare. I’ve worked as an au pair and a nanny. I can care for your sons if need be. I also have ‘nannied’ for two alcoholic boyfriends and one pissy, manic-depressive rock star, who, like you, believes himself to be from Mars, so I can weather that storm as well.
I can provide a clean driving record but I assume that most of the time I will be tied up and will be unable to drive.
I don’t have any porn experience, per se. That I know about. I mean I’ve never been taped to my knowledge. I did have one ex-boyfriend who, truthfully, is kind of dodgy and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some grainy tape floating around out there without me knowing about it. Sigh. It’s not the betrayal of being filmed without my permission, so much as the possibility of lost revenue…
Now, I’m sure there are many of my peers who will look down on me for applying for this position. There are those who will think that I’m not living up to my full potential, who think being a kept whore is, well, sexist. I know I am a smart, talented lady, but there are only so many jobs out there, and the competition is tough. What would they have me do? Become a successful recording artist like Kim Kardashian? Write a New York Times bestseller like Snooki? Marry well like NeNe Leakes? No, no. I’m not that connected. I need to branch out and consider other options.
I like the honesty that goes on at Team Better. Rach is very honest that she’s a slut and you are honest about that being the reason why you like her. No one is trying to be something they’re not (Gwyneth — give the singing a fucking rest!). I know full well the abuse I’m walking into at Sober Valley Ranch but at least I know right away. I won’t have to wait for you to drop your best behavior after three months before you start hurling hate and bigotry my way. But what I get in return is I get to WIN! And I haven’t been winning lately, Charlie. I’ve been standing at the slots here in LA for oh so long and I think that just maybe, Charlie Sheen, maybe YOU are my jackpot. You are my eye of the Tiger. Does that sound crazy? Because if it does, then we are perfect for each other!
I really think that this could be an opportunity for me to grow. If given the opportunity to be on Team Better, I think it would be a chance to improve myself while helping you, your children and the other goddesses.
Oh, I’m also really good in bed.
Follow Ali MacLean on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/aliontheair